In a quiet spell, I spent maybe a few moments too many reflecting on "what are you going to do next, Limes?" For as the autumn marks the beginning of some new things, it marks the close of others. I feel a bit unsettled. The landscape is a bit wiggly for a person who prefers everything so very solid. It wiggles with both promise and concern.
This summer a loved one and I learned to actually talk about things rather than commit lies of both omission and commission in order to make sure all the explosive topics remained completely swept under the rug. We're not heroic or admirable, in particular. We didn't decide to learn this new way of relating with one another. We were rather forced to it. Detonating explosives is risky business, as one can be terribly hurt or annihilated. But taking those risks, working them together, surviving the detonation, taking great care to remain committed to the love shared and to not hurting the other . . can land a pair in a safe place that is new and different. New and different can take awhile to absorb. Each step taken tentatively. Make sure the ground holds. OK. Take another step.
Many cycling races have bumped off many potential camping forays into the desert. But the racing season is ending and the autumn makes the desert tolerable for camping . . . until it makes the desert intolerable for camping at freezing temperatures. I am strongly drawn to taste the way the coffee is just a little different when made on the cookstove and to be wakened in the dawn by howling coyotes. I long to wear my really good boots to hike, see the petroglyphs I know so well, poke around near the abandoned mines to find treasures that not many people would recognize as treasure.
I have a new friend who came to me in a twisted, winding way but I got brave and mature and behaved more sturdily than I felt and that landed me this new friend. I knew within a couple of weeks why this person was put into my life. The way it happened was sparky and spiky and is not to be told. But the reason I was sent this person, and the effect on my life of having been paired up, is profound. Meeting one person affected my relationship with another. This new friend has given me the extraordinary gift of listening to me, paying attention. It happened that I had a birthday last week. Many e-mails were exchanged about "the birthday box". When it arrived, I was completely stunned with its many, many beautiful and carefully selected offerings. For it was clear to me that this friend understands what is meaningful to me, and selected gifts for me with that understanding. On Saturday came Birthday Box #2 and I continue to be amazed at how two people who are open, honest, willing to be good to others . . . can connect. Deeply. Even if "unusually".
Anyone who has read me knows how strong, how confident I am in my work. "I have the best seat in the house," I've been known to say a time or ten. But that has a new slant, as well. For David has another new enterprise that opened for business this morning. I have always been kept in a cocoon - dedicated to only the one business I manage for him. "Don't ask her where the pens are kept, ask somebody else!" he's been heard to snap at workers from his other ventures. "You don't see her. She's not there." But the new undertaking is large and more heavily populated and I'll be helping him in ways to manage it. Still in the comfortable cocoon. Still the best seat in the house. Doing new things. Change. David Bowie: "Ch-ch-ch-changes . . . "
I have a tremendous need, desire, longing to make some of the pretty, lovely, delicous things I know how to make. I have been so silent, so dead, so cold for so long. But I find myself in the closets and cupboards and storage bins, touching the materials, the supplies, the implements, the machines . . . I have set myself a loving challenge ~ one item by September 26th, another by October 14th, and the most important one by October 22nd. I believe I can do this and it will move my personal, human agenda forward. When I went into one closet to look at crafting materials, I spotted a favored sweater not worn for many months. I feel good when I wear that sweater, because it looks nice on me. Just a small part of the cobalt blue sleeve was peeping out from behind other things . . . it won't be very long before I wear that blue silk sweater again in another autumn in my life.
Some photo credits: J. D. Morehouse
In my ears right now: "In My Life", the Beatles. It was dedicated to me specially, by someone special.
Something that charmed me: That Harvest Festival was the best "woman spend money" I've attended in a long time. I got more wonderful and fun and funny things, both for myself and others. Reminder to self . . . .