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Las Vegas, Nevada, United States
"No, really!"

My Favorite Bit of Paper Cup Philosophy

The Way I See It #76

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Working Girl, Walks Upright Among Humans, No Knuckle-Dragging, Makes Eye Contact With Others

When this is posts, I will be readying myself for work. Not so unusual for a Monday morning, right? I began to work at the age of 14, in 1966. Except for the past year and one year of extremely harrowing pregnancy and childbirth, I have rarely not worked. Work is what I do. So why . . .

OK, look. I took a blood oath that I would not "over-do" as has sometimes been my wont. Yeah, I get wound up tighter than a cheap watch and, sometimes, break a spring or slip a gear. Some who care about me remind me that I don't want to blow - in any way - the second chance I've received that almost no other golden child in the universe would get on her best day. Agreed: I don't want to blow anything in any way in this reincarnation. They remind me I have been physically and spiritually ill - very ill - for a long stretch and that going back to work will be more, in every way, than I expected it to be. All right, I concede. This won't be perfectly easy.

So I'm soaking in the tub this morning, talking out loud to myself and I landed on some profound notions:
  • This working thing is going to take up a lot of my time.
  • This working thing requires getting up very early.
  • This working thing will break my isolation (good and bad).
  • This working thing will require me to be efficient with my time.
  • This working thing will give me money.
  • This working thing feels foreign to me, though it's only been a year.

"Are you nervous at all, Les?" "No, oh no! After all, everything about it is familiar to me." I lie. I'm nervous. A few days before Amber started at a wonderful Montessori academy, I asked my therapist, tearfully, "Do you think they suffer any thoughts like 'Why did Mommy leave me here alone?' " Paul and I had a long relationship by then and he laughed at me. "No, I think they have thoughts like 'I wonder where to hang up my sweater' and 'I wonder where they put my lunch bag'." A very few days into that process, I realized he was likely right and I was likely stressing too much. Is that the case now? I know where to hang my sweater and locate my lunch and even more. I'm worried about the "me" I am delivering. Will I resemble the good me they remember and want on their team? Or will I have lost too much and be only a shadow of my former self? Will they clap each other on the back, exclaiming, "Yeah. It was worth waiting for her to get uncrazy!" or will they exchange glances translated as, "Oh, the poor old bag."? And - oh! best of all - can I manage a job and the 12-step program that keeps me alive? I know plenty of people do. But will I? I guess we don't know the answers to these things yet. It will all have to be revealed. I shall have to wait and see. This is not a position I enjoy.

Jenn and I have developed a nice little flexible system of spending time together based upon the whims of her weird work schedule. She has become my friend as well as my AA sponsor. We're pretty funny, quirky women and most recently have begun to make art together - oh, wait until you see! "Uh, what time will you get off work each day?" That was easy. In time to cross town and pick her up for AA and other pursuits. "Will we still be able to volunteer for things?" We will, though she has agreed to become the "wife", making the commitment and simply telling me to put it in my calendar. "Library? We haven't read it dry yet." Yes, M'am. Until they have no books remaining. And Starbucks every day, too. "I assume no contact during your work hours, right?" Wrong! Where I am headed, there are few rules of any kind and no stupid rules at all. It is understood a person needs to maintain contacts with the rest of her life even if it is midmorning on a weekday. In unison: "Hey, this won't be so bad!"

In the interest of not taxing myself, my brain, my soul, I shall be silly if the reader will indulge me. I see stuff on the streets all the time that makes me laugh out loud even when I am by myself. Yesterday, while Jenn went in to a discount house to buy cigarettes (ugh), I was observing a newly opened Chinese herbal place. One of those where they cover the windows entirely so one can't observe anything going on inside. I'm reading the advertising on the door . . . I could have offered assistance with some of the copy there. I jumped out into about 1,000-degrees of heat just to take a closer look. I engaged the phone cam . . I know next time I'm suffering from that pesky ailment, "lack of pain", I'm going to the 24/7 herbalist. While I'm there, I might pick up some T-Man for my (imaginary) fella, too!

In my ears right now: Because I needed an old friend as I packed my briefcase and desk accessories and, and, and . . .

Something that charmed me until I cried: When I step out of my car, the home dudes will be readying their vans and equipment for the day's work. I doubt David will have told them I'm coming. There wasn't much time to tell stories, and David knows how to let a "moment" build. That's it! I'm wearing the red cowgirl boots! 


  1. From Blog Buddy Doozyanner. I know how to cut and past from email! ~ "Pull those red boots on, girl! Oh how I wish blogger would let me comment and be the first one to chime in on your early morning posting! Be easy on yourself, Les. You have a lot going on (in more ways that one)!" :-)

  2. @ Doozy ~ Wish and sometimes it comes true - you're first because I took one last look at the computer before leaving. Red boots slapping my legs as I walk. I'm ready to GO. In the best and easiest way. Thank you for the rah! as I leave the building.

  3. I am so happy for you to be back working with David. I think this is just the thing. I am also a bit jealous but not much. I care for you too much not to be happy when you are happy. You go, Girl!
    in the mean time, wv - wilsett this one out.

  4. The Chinese herbal place reminds me of the movie Alice, written and directed by Woody Allen. In it, the title character takes Chinese herbs that, in turn, arouses her, makers her invisible, gives her the the ability to talk to a dead lover, and, finally, when mixed in with some eggnog, causes all the men at a Christmas party to fall madly in love with her.

    You might want to think twice before you try out that herbal place, Les.

  5. @ Mike ~ You haven't lost me, honey. I'm just reorganizing in a very good way. I'm 4 1/2 hours into it right now and I'm having FUN! Learning new things, meeting new people. This is good for me. I'll be in touch soon. I promise. And this morning I PRed WCWIO here at the office.

  6. @ Kirk ~ Oh, dear. I never dreamed. I mean, I just wanted some attention and remedy for that pesky lack of pain I suffer. If I got as messed up as Alice, Marty Volare wouldn't have any respect for me in the morning, I fear.

  7. So, how did the first day back at work go?

  8. @ The Badger ~ The $64M question! I am sure it's going to go down as one of the better ones in my life, but it took every fiber of my being to get through so damn much good stuff. Translation: I'm pretty exhausted. I am already writing about it in my usual tone, but had to post about Rudy before anything else. After all, he opened the door for me to go back to work. I thank you for asking after me. Really.

  9. I think the herbs for "lack of pain" are already on their way of getting legalized here in the state of Colorado...

  10. @ CramCake ~ Proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy, perhaps?