Tools of the Trade and Don't Try to Put Anything Over on Me

Well, I'm only just feeling sturdy enough to say it out loud or let the words see the light of day, but it appears I may - may - have some success at making something from fabric, thread, yarn, trim, glue and more. The fabric is laid out on the dining table, in an array that means something to me. The black cat has left some fur on the light fabric and the white cat on the dark fabric, but I have a lint roller and a washing machine. What will my project be?

I'd printed free patterns, transferred them to freezer paper, lined up supplies, eyeballed fabric in several different light conditions . . . uh-oh. There's something was missing, and there's no substitute for it. I've done this before! I cruised on over to eBay and got a fantastic deal, so I decided to e-mail Girlfriend to learn her color favorites and to tease her a little. Girlfriend can be both whimsical and serious. E-mail, after all, is just black print against a white screen. She can't see my face to see what I've got going on. She sent back a well-considered list of colors she finds beautiful, information I really do need. But she hadn't nibbled about my eBay purchase. I tweaked her interest a little. "OK, what'd you get for your project? I can't imagine what it is!" "Scissors, tweezers, scalpels, retractors, hemostats, and skin hooks." Now, have I said Girlfriend is pretty sharp? Came the next e-mail: "Sounds like you're working with something very small and tight, like jewelry, maybe?" Can't put a whole lot over on Girlfriend.

If you heard a loud noise this morning as the sun rose, it was the breakup of the log jam of creative constipation. For you see, yesterday my diabolical instruments arrived in the mail. This morning I cut, chopped, measured, argued with the instructions and did it my own way, and . . . I am making dolls. Lots and lots of different kinds of dolls ~ I own every material in the world, so the possibilities are endless. My first act was to run the rotary cutter across the finger next to the thumb that last saw the rotary cutter, but I'm intrepid. As I sat with my coffee, working, I began a running list of things I might need to buy, measurements to confirm, methods/techniques to test. I dreamed and mused and pondered and realized that while I may have a deficit of "deliver it up", I certainly have no shortage of brilliant ideas. The colors and patterns and shapes dazzled me, the cats kept me company at my feet. Not an hour had passed before I recalled what a deft hand I am at wielding the skin hook and the hemostat. Turning little dolly legs and arms out is pretty tight work! And I was loving it.

Not a woman to do things one at a time, I'd been giving some thought to a subject. I spoke with each and every doctor who all replied, "Yes, within limits." Then friend Tag threw down the gauntlet and got himself employed! Yes, friends, it is time for me to get a job, for more reasons than simply money. Oh, I am not up for a big career. But I'd welcome a little job. I always have a few different resumes on hand, so I can use the one appropriate to what I'm seeking - non-profit groups, labor, etc. And now I even have a dummied down resume so I won't frighten away potential employers who might wonder, "Did she even read the advertisement?" Friend Cramcake provided me with 4 wonderful recycled cover letters because I didn't feel like composing one from scratch. Yes, that's unusual for me. I was ready to rock the job market now!

I was up before the chickens and I went online to several possible treasure chests. I know the ropes, you see. I was having a ball, watching the jobs post in real time and landing my resume - boom! - in seconds. By late morning I'd responded to 10 reasonable ads. There have been a number of swift replies. I'm dumping "internet mystery shopper". I'm not very big and I do like to shop, but I don't think I can fit in the internet and I surely couldn't squeeze out with my purchases! No portal is that big. Nope ~ not interested in telemarketing. Not bilingual. Can't dance and too fat to fly. I spoke with representatives from 2 well-known and respected legitimate Las Vegas businesses. But imagine my delight to be well employed (at least for a woman who supplements with a monthly pension) by 12:31 p.m.! Read it and weep, readers ~ it's worth it, even though it runs long. This is an actual cut and paste from my confirmation e-mail. Please be sure to let me know what you think - - congratulations are in order. I wonder if Tag did as well.

Hello Leslie Morgan,

Thank you for your response to my advert on ______ .

Presently, the local position available is Personal Assistant / Secretary. I think you will be well-suited for this position. As a private on line-software technician, my business requires I make lots of business trips within and outside the country. My work is essentially on line-related though I have a functional office in Annapolis, MD. I install advanced computer software and security for individuals and small scale organizations. I require a resourceful and hard-working Personal Assistant / Secretary to assist me run my business office from her/his location online. Work description is essentially to reply emails, make phone calls [when necessary], printing and copying documents, banking and bill payment. My Company name, which is presently being registered, is ______ .

Job description:

You will be required to edit, print and copy documents. When I'm out of location with limited access to the Internet, you will reply my emails as I'll instruct you. Again, if I'm out of the country on business, my calls will be forwarded to you. You will advise clients that I'm not available and to leave a message. As a growing business, I wouldn't want clients to think I can be unreachable sometimes. I may have to get you a business number later. Finally, you will do simple banking and bill payment. You will receive payments from my clients, mostly in Checks. Some of the payments I will require that you deposit into my personal bank account. If I require some bills or expenses to be taken of, I will ask some clients to make out the Checks in your name...which you will process at your bank...and then pay the bills or take care of the expenses on my behalf. I'll always provide details and very clear instructions. Your Internet bills and Phone charges arising from making calls on behalf of my business will be my responsibility. This job's only requirement is that you have a computer, Internet connection and a valid phone number. This is ideal for everybody...those working from home, students, the unemployed, business owners and the employed seeking to make an extra income. It's simple and rewarding and you can start right away.

Remuneration:

I will pay you $650 every week, making a monthly total of$2600. Additionally, you will be paid a transport allowance of $250 every time I need you to deposit checks into my bank account or process a payment at your bank for the payment of a bill or expense. I estimate two [2] banking activities weekly and so you should get $500transport allowance weekly. Computation of your pay starts from the moment you receive the first Check.

Confirm your acceptance of the above job terms by re-sending your current contact address [not PO Box] and phone numbers. There are assignments to be taken care of right away and urgent bills to be paid. If I receive your confirmation as requested above, a customer will be asked to mail a payment to you soon made out in your name. I will notify you after the payment is mailed and advise you further.

I look forward to working with you.

Regards,

In my ears right now: An ode to a cut finger. Oops, I did it again.

Something that did not charm me: I do not appreciate attempts to scam me. What if I were stupid or unaware? What if I were so desperate I just jumped? I wonder how many nice people they "take". It makes me furrow my brow.